My day on Cybill

Act One: Disaster In The Making

I "won" a walk-on part on Cybill through a silent auction held at the Curtis School Fair which is on Mullholland Drive in LA. Two years ago I won a part on Murphy Brown, and had a really good day meeting all the stars and appearing in the background. The 'certificate' for Murphy Brown was a simple certificate in an envelope with some contact info and such. Very Simple.

I knew I was in trouble when I could see lots of writing through the "Cybill" envelope. I opened it, and there wasn't a certificate but a two page list of RULES from Carsey-Werner, the producers of the show. There were SEVEN (7) rules listed , only one of which was actually listed when I bid for this prize. I am going to list these rules, and you can see my problem, especially with RULE #5. Red marks my comments.

CONGRATULATIONS!
On behalf of the CYBILL Show, it is my pleasure to inform you that you have won the following auction prize: An opportunity (Read between the lines: "We don't have to give this to you") to be an "extra" (I sure as hell hope you're not gonna treat me as an Extra. I can go thru my agent to be treated like cattle.) on the television series CYBILL.

While we are pleased to offer this auction prize for this fundraising benefit, please be aware that it is offered under the following conditions. PLEASE become familiar with these provisions BEFORE BIDDING on this prize in order to avoid future disappointment upon redemption of the auction prize. Only condition #1 was actually listed on the signup sheet for bidding. The others were sealed in an envelope which I didn't receive until after I had won the prize.

REDEMPTION OF THIS PRIZE IS AT THE DISCRETION OF THE CYBILL SHOW. ("We don't have to give this to you if we don't like you") While we will try to work with your schedule, your call for work will ultimately be based on our casting needs at the time.

  1. If you purchase this prize and wish to give it to a family member, please be aware that this auction prize is extended to those individuals over 18 years old. Proof of age may be required.

  2. The winner of this prize needs to inform the producers immediately in writing. it will be necessary for you to provide us with a close-up photo and full-length photo of the individual who will be redeeming the prize. this will help us to determine the scene for which you would be most appropriate. For Murphy Brown, they told me what was coming up and asked me my preference. They even said, "This one is good, that's a sweep's week program. Lots of Guest Stars"

  3. It is the responsibility of the winner to maintain contact with the office of the Producer of CYBILL beginning in mid-July to remind them you are available whenever needed.

  4. The winner of this prize needs to be available to be "cast" in an episode on very short notice-- almost a moment's notice. This is due to the fact that the producers do not determine their needs for extras in a given episode until late in the week, and you might receive a call on Monday or Tuesday to be on the set on Thursday (camera-blocking day) and Friday (tape day).Again with the "extra" thing. yick.

  5. The winner of this prize cannot be a member of any actors, writers, or directors union (AEA, SAG, AFTRA, SEG, AGVA, WGA or DGA).This is the killer. I've been a member of SAG for six years.

  6. If the winner of this auction prize cannot redeem this prize due to scheduling problems on the part of the winner, the CYBILL show assumes no financial responsibility for you inability to redeem this auction item. "Even tho you PAID to be on this show, if you can't fit into the schedule WE give you, tough cookies."

  7. Please retain this letter for your files. This is your "receipt" for the purchase of this auction item. You may be requested to bring this letter with you when you report to work.

Now why rule #5? If I was a real egotistical jerk, I would say they were trying to avoid casting an extra who might upstage Ms. Sheppard. But I'm not that cynical. I dunno.

So I called the producers at the phone number listed on the list. (I should list it here, but I'm not that mean.) They first suggested I give the prize to someone else. I replied, "I did not bid at the auction for something to give away." I said, "I don't want to call the Curtis School and ask for my money back". That seemed to get her. They referred me to Laura, who first asked me (again) if there was someone I could give the prize too. (I did think of my now ex-wife, but she didn't want to do it. Besides, there's principle.) She said to fax over the paperwork I received and she would call afterwards. (As if she didn't know what they wrote).

A few hours later, I received a call, not from the producers, but from the Curtis School. They were offering to refund my donation. WHOA! The producers wouldn't even call me back, they called the Curtis school to deal with me. Isn't that something. They didn't even TRY to fit me in.

So, I just have to say, in three words, Carsey-Werner SUX!